to be lonely, is a habit...

therefore, i want to be lonely by choice and by accident.  i don't know where this life of mine will take me, although i do know it is in God's will to put me where ever i end up.  i've been placed on this Earth for a reason, that in which I do not know or have found yet.  i am sick of searching and ready to move on from every rut i always put myself in.  i keep my hopes up high and my prayers with my head down hands folded, keeping faith that everything will turn out good in the end. i have a boyfriend.  i dislike him three-fourths of the time.  i thinks he loves me, yet has only told me once in the six months we've been seeing each other. i, on the other hand, have never told him once.  i do believe this is the hardest, most aggravating relationship i have ever had with someone.  we are both stubborn and selfish, yet he has a bigger heart than me and bigger beliefs in everything than i do...this causes issues, everyday.  i've met his whole family, and he's never met any of mine.  he sees his parents at least once a week, and i see mine maybe once a month.  he goes to school, i do not. he works six hours a week, i work forty plus. he can't handle his liquor, and i'm a tank. all my friends think he's weird, creepy, and a douchebag, and all of his want to fuck me. yet, i see him and hang out with him, wake up to him EVERYDAY. am i just playing house? am i wasting my twenty's away!? what does this relationship mean? am i just put beside him so i can look pretty and make him look better while he ignores me in front of all his friends?  this is terrible that i'm laying out all this information on the line, yet i honestly don't know if i should stay or should i go?  it's a thousand year old question, does he love me or not? is it worth waiting on a man? do i even care about him anymore? his hopes, his dreams, his life...does it include me?  most of all, should i just think about myself and forget him altogether? is he holding me back?  if i don't succeed in my life and do what i want to do with it would it have been because he held me back, or was that just the excuse i will use if i stay? my great-grandma had a great, strong, working everyday love. her love past away a few years ago. she was strong throughout her marriage, worked full time, raised good kids, traveled the world, went back to school, lived her life to the fullest.  she is one of the most influential women in my life. i want to be like her. maybe asked her how she did it. because right now, i want to give up. i like it most days, but on my bad days, it's beyond bad...and on my good days, it's numbered minutes of happiness.  is the grass really greener on the other side?  i honestly don't think so. so my choices...are ripping apart my mind.

way out in the water, see it swimming...where is my mind?